Whatever Happened To Lord of Lords? by Anand Prakash

Behold, I am doing a new thing…

Once upon a time, God disappeared from the Abon land. And, God didn’t disappear because of His fault but by the fault of His carefully crafted creation.

Nobody knows for sure what had happened but some rumors floated in the sky of possibilities.

1.     Cottony cloud rumored God was just tired of public demands.

2.     Charcoal cloud rumored God just got a rich offer to be God in some alternate universe.

3.     Orange cloud rumored God was just bored handling His creation so He sold the entire universe to some biochemist for basic constituent of life, such as carbon, nitrogen, hydrogen and oxygen from the periodic table to create something new.

4.     Gray cloud rumored God was intoxicated by excessively saccharine prayers and died of diabetes.

5.     Clear sky rumored that God died of a long standing complication of tuberculosis which He had contracted from an infectious poem from ailing poet in remote past.

But when these rumors were scientifically tested, none of them supported the evidence of God’s loss. Around the same time, Punk and Junk, two extremely young Rumorologists proposed a new rumor-Cliché rumor. All older Rumorologists laughed at them but these two scientists took inspiration from cheese of stubbornness, available at leading stores. Deep in their hearts, they knew it was a big deal because they stopped running after girls as soon as they were captured by this idea. So, they actively pursued the cliché rumor.

This appeared the most convincing rumor. As per this rumor any word which became a cliché will disappear, first from dictionaries and then from Abon land. This rumor had been supported by the fact that dictionaries were missing the words such as “THANK YOU” and “SORRY.” Effect of loss was such that people suffered in describing their feelings. After disappearing from dictionaries, these words would hand in air for couple of days and then evaporate from Abon land in some sunny afternoon.

Weightlifting word-controllers and world class word-condensers worked together to bring these words back into dictionaries but their efforts didn’t pay off.  The words from the repeated use had suffered morality erosion as E looked like F and O looked like C.  So, once these words reached the clouds, these words cursed the population for their repeated use. Because of eroded morality, their curses were harsh and ambiguous. Further support for this rumor came from loss of more words in similar manner. Next to go were the words such as GREAT JOB, LIMITED TIME, I SWEAR, REALLY, and this bidirectional doublet, YOU DID ! and DID YOU?  It was painful for dictionaries that with every passing moment, some evil power was stripping words from them without permission. These dictionaries complained to their money eating publishers.

In the succession of events, cliché predictors made this demonic prophecy that God is soon going to disappear. Nobody was able to digest this predicted scientific custard even though they didn’t have any problems absorb trans fat from sixty strips of parmesan cheese. In particular God people suffered severe indigestion, so on that night they walked from their homes to nearby religious establishments as they meekly protested against the cliché predictors and verbally thrashed the prophecy while the walk worked on their stomachs. Such was the impact of prophecy that the food shops all over Abon land sold everything with God’s name: God’s warm patties, God’s freaky subs, God’s raunchy salad, God’s flavored rice, God’s own pizza, and God’s roasted coffee and you name it. Though everyone and everything was named after God still no one was sure that it would save God.

Other people were busy with other things. And after some days, even the God people were busy with other things.  Other things were too time-consuming. So after some days, nobody cared about the prophecy and it’s almost safe to say that nobody cared about God. One must think that if God knew about all this, which as per general convention He should, He must be really pissed off with His creation. The creation which had been so busy eating, drinking, relaxing and reading various versions of some thick book that they had no time to think seriously and reasonably about this prophecy.

When the dictionary publishers heard that dreaded news, they put all their money to control the situation. But they weren’t able to help out dictionaries.

Junk and Punk toiled day and night. During the same time, their fellow scientists gifted them sweet coated verbal abuse candies. They graciously accepted those and ate all of them on Friday night. These candies impacted them emotionally so they went to Delphi Bar where it was written, “Drink Thyself” and they drank all night. Next day, they came in morning and ate their toast once again with cheese of stubbornness. The fellow scientists were surprised to see all that.

Days flew by, years passed and end of century came closer. And inevitable happened on the day which was famously known as the DOOMS DAY. The God disappeared as if it didn’t even exist. Nothing worked, though everyone tried in their own special ways. No amount of flyer and announcements could prevent Holy disappearance. The biggest religious and non-religious leaders all over Abon land were unable to persuade the public to avoid this happening. There were gospels all over religious buildings. The dictionary publishers used the specially derived “stickiest” glue ink to write that “holy name” on the paper. The green leaves and Ozone bombs environmentalists stopped all of their work for a while as they joined hands with word- condensers. To do so, they tried so many compounds from the lethal sulfuric acid to skin-cooling acetone and everything in between. Nothing worked. The English department invented one synonym after another to save at least a part of God but none worked because the blow on God was verbally lethal. The zoologist had already put the word “God” to the category of extremely endangered species. On the contrary, Abon land psychologists criticized public for their fearfulness. In their recent conference, they agreed to name such affected individuals as psycho-god hypochondriacs. The PAAL (Psychologists Association of Abon Land) chairmen send a letter to the DSM publisher to include psycho-god hypochondriacs in the next edition of DSM.

The prophecy of God loss found itself on the front page of Abon land newspapers. Everyone gossiped about God in coffee shops. The first group said nothing would happen to God. Why? Because, He is God. The second group said what if God had planned His disappearance.  The first group questioned. But why would He do that?  Truth was that nobody knows the truth- what God has in his mind- but to figure out the answer they drank so much coffee that they didn’t sleep for nights and cursed Orexins, the excitatory neuropeptide which didn’t let them sleep.

Sleep. Junk and Punk gave vacation to their sleep until they figure out ways to support cliché rumor. They knew that to support their cliché rumor they need to show real-time disappearance of words from dictionaries. They tried all the available techniques but none worked. The fellow scientists organized slacker-potluck but Junk and Punk couldn’t able to attend it.

And as expected, God did disappear one day.

So now the question was how did He disappear? Who was responsible? It’s very tragic to note that the blame fell on the girl who wore her hair curly. This girl was suffering from the delusion of Prince Charming. She had this thought that she would meet him in coffee shop one day and that’s why every day, rain or shine, she visited the coffee shop. She even wrote in coffee shop restroom walls, “I’m going to meet PC, today.”  The rest room visitors drew thumbs up below this sentence. This girl was allergic to all newspapers and practically blind to every possible colored flyer. Her single friend, same curly hairs, didn’t tell her about the prophecy of God disappearance. As soon as she came to the coffee shop, she smiled, ordered, paid for a dirty chai; all the time lost in cheesy thought of her Prince Charming. Lost in thoughts, this poor girl didn’t really look behind and burnt the heart of a boy who stood behind her in line. The boy with thick eye-brows suddenly fell to his knees. That very moment inevitable happened when she out of habit, she mouthed the phrase she shouldn’t have. Even though the girl got the boy, she was the target of caffeinated admonition as everyone scolded her with caffeine inflated nostrils.

The silence deepened around this phrase as if she had thrown an atomic bomb over Abon land. It was more than an atomic bomb- a six alphabet bomb- which left people God-less.

“OMYGOD”

Because every word in this phrase was so powerful that very next instance, God disappeared from wherever He had resided: from the book, from the conversation, from the religious establishments and even from shopping centers…quite literally from everywhere. The people who watched the live account of disappearance of God told the reporters that God turned into fumes and added that God took along with two more important words. They guessed that God needed some company.

And just like the word God, every lost word had their unheard story. Impact of their loss was profound if not great as loss of God.

The story of loss of God:

Inevitably, Abon land lost the word- God. One might think that God, if He hadn’t known about all this, would come to this absurd realization that what His creation is capable of.  No creator would suffer from such realization in recent futures to come most importantly by the hand of its creation. People searched for God in books and without this word all the working of religious establishments throughout Abon land had gone irrevocably wrong. Their books didn’t make any sense. The God people suffered from retrograde amnesia, where they lost all their past memories. Most importantly they felt “empty,” empty like china bowls in which they ate their oat meal. Even though they had gathered next to some tall buildings they didn’t know why they came here in first place. They only knew that they had to something on Sundays but couldn’t figure out what it was. People attended all the meetings and readings without knowing what the meetings and readings were all about. The non-believers were confused too because they didn’t understand why they didn’t hang out with the people who stood outside that big tall building. In sum, the entire Abon land had gone crazy and empty.

Many centuries later, at last Punk and Junk, now sixty years old Rumorologists, had gathered sufficient evidence to prove “Cliché rumor” as “Cliché theory.” They were the proud recipients of coveted Morrison Prize in the field of Rumorology. After award ceremony, they told to reporters that coming up with cliché rumor weren’t a big deal but developing technique to support the rumor was. They were waiting for the technology to catch up to their imagination. Now they have techniques to visualize the loss of words in real time. They renamed this theory as Cliché theory of loss, as they lost all the Fs: friends, family, fraternity, food, and other Fs as they pursued this rumor whole-heartedly. They telecasted their research in between some reality TV show. In these telecast, they showed the loss of disappearance of a new word. That unfortunate word was “HOLY SHIT.”

And when people watched this on TV, it led to loss of another word “AWESOME.”

After that day, this documented evidence had never been aired in the fear of loss of many words but as they say technology is a double-edge sword, some people made pirated copy of that show and sell on some website with user ratings.

… now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? – Isa. 43: 15-19